Wednesday, January 6, 2010

loveless

Dear god

I wanna feel loved..   

A lil kid told me bout his girlfriend the other day, asked me one simple question.

He said, bhaiya, u’ve been in 3 serious relationships, got dumped once and dumped someone twice, been a slut of a guy and humped everything in a skirt, been there and done them all. And you have loved as well, been loved too. But have you ever been someone’s first love ever? And I was like .. No..

Now the lil kid is enjoying it all , the attention the love and I don’t know what all that comes with being someone’s first. I have never been anyone’s first. Certainly not the first for this beautiful girl I so madly want. I so want her to love me.  Because my life feels loveless without her. And loveless most certainly ,dear god,  means lifeless in this life today. And so feel I, dead to my bones, and dead is everything that lies between my skin and them. And yet I continue to live, live in hope. For I hope, and I believe in my hope that the end would be so beautiful. Cause what matters is the end, the last. More than it matters being someone’s first or first of anything. And I know I would never be her first love, for it has come and gone, what feels like, an eon ago. But I pray and hope that I am her last. 

Friday, January 1, 2010

promises and requests

My dearest..

A new year is about to begin, bringing in new hopes, new dreams and much more.

So I take this opportunity to say a few things that I’ve always wanted to say. A few I have said in not so many words but most of them always remained unsaid buried deep with in me. I wish I had a way with words like some of the people I know or the articulation that u possess. But what I say comes straight from my heart with all honesty. I for sure am a little scared sending you this, as I don’t know how would you feel or react post knowing what this is about. Took me 2 stiff drinks to muster up the courage to start writing this and god knows how many more for me to be able to send this to you. If you get this, stand informed that I must have been drunk outta my head. I write this today cause I want to step in the New Year knowing that I at least made an attempt  and tried to tell you what I feel for you. No words can truly express what is in my heart but this is at least a try.

You at times have asked me why do I like you so much. Well I could never find the right words to translate my emotions in a verbal format until a month ago. I heard this somewhere and it stands true to the last fact in the world as to what I feel…. I like you beyond everything  because u make me want to be a better man. A man that you can be proud of and stand tall with. A man who reminds you of what you truly are, a woman worthy of all respect and love in the world. I want to be that guy who brings you a smile in the worst of times and brings you strength in the weakest of moments. Someone who never lets you down and someone who always stands up for you. Man, this isn’t easy. All the words in an oxford dictionary can never complete what I want to say. There are also a few promises I would like to make, promises that I promise to keep for ever. I promise to always be there when u need me, I promise that u will always find me right besides you whenever u look to your side. I promise to always hold your hand and never ever try to hold you back from anything you want to do. I promise to be your pillar of strength and your shoulder to rest your worries on. And a promise to love you always no matter what. All I need in return is your companionship. I don’t need much, if I succeed to make you feel the best about yourself each and everyday I spend with you, that knowledge itself would be rewarding enough.  You know there is this song, whenever I hear it, it feels like as if someone wrote those words knowing exactly what I feel for you.  I am sending you the song and the lyrics.. please do listen to it… J

It goes like this………..

 

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.

You're the line in the sand when I go too far.

You're the swimming pool, on an August day.

And you're the perfect thing to say.

 

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute.

Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.

Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true.

'cause you can see it when I look at you.

 

[Chorus:]

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times

It's you, it's you, you make me sing.

You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

 

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,

And you light me up, when you ring my bell.

You're a mystery, you're from outer space,

You're every minute of my everyday.

 

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,

And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.

Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,

And you know that's what our love can do.

 

[Chorus]

 

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

 

[Chorus:]

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times

It's you, it's you, you make me sing.

You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're every song, and I sing along.

'Cause you're my everything.

Yeah, yeah

 

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

 

 

Monday, October 12, 2009

a prayer

Dear God.

I had been so restless the last 2 days. I just was uneasy and on the edge every single second of the last 48 hours. And you my dear God know the reason very well. Well of course you do. It was all your doing after all. You made love and you made self respecting people who love. But why did you make ego a part of the whole deal. Why couldn’t you teach, or for that matter pre-program us humans to keep this evil emotion at bay. Or at the least keep it away when it comes to dealing with our loved ones. And this ego you gave us was the cause of my suffering.

I just didn’t call her for last 2 days, well why should only I be calling her up all the time? Why cant she call me now? Why why why why?????? So many times I asked why and that too only for one question. Am I that insecure dear lord? Did you really make me so weak? Well I just realized you did. Or why in your name would I act like an idiot. Idiotic is it to think the way I had been thinking for last 2 days. Of course I should call her ‘cause I am the one who is worried about her, I am the one who is still at home while she is away in a foreign land without many friends, I am the one who loves her. Yes I realize I do and don’t know what it means to her. If it means anything at all. But nonetheless, I will still be the one calling her not expecting her to call me back, not expecting her to love me back. I wont expect… but I still can hope, hope and pray that my love means something to her, that she loves me back.

Oh my dear dear lord, I pray to thee…

 

Friday, October 9, 2009

a lil bit of love

Dear God

Sometimes you know it’s important to have someone to share your sorrows and dreams with… someone to share your excitement and disappointments with.

But what to do, for me there seems to be no one. There is this only guy who comes close to being that someone, but for your own sake I m as straight as it can get.

And then there is family, mummy, papa and gudia.. but then again I m pretty much sure they will have to spend an entire century with me close besides them to even remotely understand what goes through my mind. So u see there actually is no one. No one at all. So please, hook me up. Please do. I know it’s a difficult job, and way too difficult when its someone like me whom you have to do it for. So to make your job a lil easier I have shortlisted the one u can send cupid to target for me.  with the hard part of finding someone done by me, I leave you the easy part to get it over with.

She is like this amazing breath of fresh air.. that someone who makes me go tick tick boom booom and all sortta crazy lovy dovy sounds you can think of. Now usually I m pretty good with words of appreciation, but when it comes to her my mind seems to stop working… it just goes numb. Mind numb= Me Dumb. Now I m fairly intelligent and somewhat cool. But apparently not good enough for her to fall in love with. It seems that I m too FAT and humpty dumpty for her to find some serious romance with. To be honest, I know its important, the looks I mean.. I really do believe in it. Now who are we kidding, me too wouldn’t go in for a fat ass chick no matter how cute and sweet and caring and lovable she is. Then why haven’t I been tryin any harder to be that guy she wants. Well I don’t think I even know what kindda guy she is looking for. As far as I think I know it’s a guy like me from the inside, and a guy like brad pitt (or may be a lil compromise, just a lil bit there…) from outside. And even if I come anywhere remotely close to that guy she is looking for, will she come close to being mine. Well that’s a chance I will have to take. After all how are you supposed to find out what’s at the end of the road if you don’t walk it. So I think I will have to do what it takes and see what I get in return. And oh well you cant always expect something out of everything. Sometimes it’s the effort that matters, and I m willing to make the necessary changes. Ready to start walking the road to the destination that I so hope looks like what I dream about every night. So you mister almighty, how bout just a lil bit of help, a lil bit of hope. How bout just a lil bit of love.